


Return To Sender

by Anastasia3000



Category: Carol (2015), The Price of Salt - Patricia Highsmith
Genre: F/F, Heartbreak, Love Letters, Sad with a Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-15
Updated: 2019-01-15
Packaged: 2019-10-10 10:02:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17423792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anastasia3000/pseuds/Anastasia3000
Summary: Therese was sorting her freshly washed clothes in the wardrobe when she spotted a cardboard box of the same hue  of the closet’s wooden panels hiding in a corner – inside the box there was a stack of unsent letters all addressed to her.





	1. The Box

Therese was sorting her freshly washed clothes in the wardrobe when she spotted a cardboard box of the same hue  of the closet’s wooden panels hiding in a corner. She took it in her hands and noticed how on top of it Carol had neatly written _For Therese_. Inside the box there was a stack of unsent letters all addressed to her – out of curiosity, Therese picked up the first one and opened it. It dated back to the day Carol had flown back to New Jersey and she had returned to Sioux Fall.

 

 

 

_Dearest Therese,_

_my darling. How awful of me to leave you in such a sudden_ _way_ _, I’ll never forgive me that. I haven’t even properly kissed you goodbye. But I hope you’ll understand that I’m doing all of this to try to keep Rindy close to me, I don’t know and I fear what Harge could do to put her against me._

_This afternoon I got home and everything here reminds me of you. It’s all so quiet – the country, the house... I found the cup you used the morning we left still in the sink, there was the sign of your lipstick on the rim. It’s all too quiet, but what I should say is that it’s all too empty around this place without you here with me. You are right, whiskey depresses me... Abby told me I should have listened to you more often, my angel, and she is right, and maybe I should stop drinking whiskey all along, it does me no good anyway. Not long ago I thought I saw you standing on the staircase, coming down from your room... It has been a moment of pure bliss to believe for the briefest second that you were actually here with me, maybe playing something for me on the piano if I asked you to. I feel so selfish_ _for luring you to me during such a gruesome time of my life, but the truth is that I love you with such intensity that sometimes I think it will drive me completely insane one day. And yet I know I cannot ask to tie your heart to mine, you’re so young, you still cannot make habits out of people. Just remember that I love you, Therese._

_I hope you’ll never regret our time together. I hope you’ll never regret me._

_Love, Carol._

 

 

 

With trembling hands, Therese held on the letter for dear life.

_I regret nothing, Carol... I love you._

The doorway opened and Carol’s voice called her name; quickly Therese stacked the letter in the pile again, and put the box back in place. Although she was almost sure Carol had left the box there on purpose for her to find, Therese made a mental note to soon ask Carol about it and its content. Yet the right moment to approach the topic with Carol never seemed to come, and Therese ended up talking herself out of it. But curiosity had the best on her when in a spur of boldness she opened a second letter a few days later.

 


	2. The Natural Order of Things

_Darling, people say that after a heartbreak, the best thing to do is to move on. But they always fail to mention that the hardest part of moving on is the missing. And, God! How much I miss you! The mornings, I imagine waking up next to you, and it comforts me to dream that maybe one day, soon, I’ll wake up to the sight of your emerald green eyes and the cheekiness of your dimples; and the nights, I imagine you going to sleep beside me. But soon enough the spell of these rêveries is broken and every night the weight of existence crashes down all at once. All the cigarettes I smoke are not enough to wash away the tears that each night put me to sleep; every gust of wind brushing against my hand feels like the ghost of your hand, and I reach for your hand with my heart leaping, only to close on empty space. A space as empty as the other half of my bed._

_People have the guts to say that we are an abomination, that what we shared goes against the natural order of things – but nothing has ever come more natural to me than holding you in my arms._

_People talk, but people are wrong: they don’t know that the nights without you are the worst, that the heartbreak chokes me, and I just can’t seem to find a way to move on without you. They don’t know that even if life goes on, it has lost much of its colours._

_They don’t know that I love you._

_Carol._


	3. Roots of Love

_Dear Therese,_

_I hope this letter finds you healthy and as serene as you can be after what I put you through. How are you doing? How are you spending your days? Is the car behaving properly? I find it hard to imagine your routine out there in the West, not knowing exactly where you are or what you are up to... But I do my best with the little information that Abby has about you and that she shares with me from time to time. I like to indulge in the little things especially – you sipping a cup of coffee, you lost in thought and playing with your hair... At least the thought of you keeps me company and brings me joy during these cursed days. I had an hearing with the lawyer a few days ago – Harge still has no intention of withdrawing the injunction. But I doubt he ever will anyway... I didn’t have a single drop of alcohol since the last time I wrote you. It’s been barely a week, but it’s so damn hard not to resort to a drink when everything in your life is just crumbling to pieces..._

_Do you remember the small cactus you gifted me? It sprouted a wonderful little red flower, with petals so shiny, almost silk-like... In my solitude, taking care of this plant you gave me is the closest thing I can come to taking care of you. But unlike this lovely fragile flower, when_ _I think of you I cannot help but think of a wildflower – beneath the surface of your natural and delicate beauty, there is a strength that will make you always rise up again, no matter how hard they’ll squash you to the ground. I released you, too late, I had already pushed your stem to the limit and broken it. But, as plants do, regrow your roots and fill yourself with new life. Listen to my words, move away from me and forget me, your spring has yet to come._

_Carol._


	4. Scattered Hearts

_My dear, now I know for certain that I’m no good for you, but how could I be when I cannot even be a good mother to my own child? Harge eventually has full custody of Rindy, it was the best thing to do – to step aside to give her peace. I want for my daughter a stable environment to grow up in. And for you, my love, I want you to find someone who will love you with all their heart, who will adore you more than you dream it to be possible, you deserve to find someone who can love you without you doubting it. I wish things were different between us, to have a second chance, but in the end I only cause grief to the people I love. So I’ll step aside to give you peace._

_Carol._


	5. Home

The whiteness of the envelop and the crispness of its paper stood out in the stack of worn out letters, the ink on its surface still dark, still untouched by time. Recently penned by Carol’s hand.

 

 

_Therese, my darling sunshine. These letters have taken a toll on you these past few weeks, haven’t they? I should have given all of them to you personally, and offer you an explanation. The best I can do now is to offer you this last letter as an attempt of an explanation._

_When you met me at the Oak Room, I believed that I had finally gone crazy for good. My mind couldn’t grasp the fact that you were standing there, in the flesh, but dark clouds dissipated from my heart and I felt lighter and lighter._  
_When you moved in with me, you brought new life to the apartment, transforming it from a place I dreaded to spend time in into a welcoming home._  
_When your sleepy face is the first thing that greets me in the morning, I thank the heavens for the gift that your beautiful soul is. And then I thank them again and even more for every day that we get to spend together.  
_ _Now the sky over our heads brims with the soft light of sunrise. I want all of its colours to wash over you, and every day to kiss your face like I always do._

_I’ll love you till death do us part, in this life and the next._

_Always yours,  
Carol._

 

Sitting in bed, Therese could hear Carol hum a tune in the kitchen while she was preparing dinner. She was painfully aware of the nature of their relationship, of how they would always be seen as devious freaks of nature. But a love like theirs couldn’t simply be a freak of nature, for nature couldn’t make two souls as complementary to each other as red and green and call it a mistake. Drawn by Carol’s voice, Therese padded to the kitchen and stood in the doorway.

“Carol...” she called. Carol turned around, and the song died in her throat when she glanced at the letter in Therese’s hand.

“Carol, I love you.” It was so easy to speak those words, because she would always love Carol. Therese hugged her, and Carol’s arms wrapped tightly around her shoulders and her racing heart were an admission of love true enough to be believed; any other word could be left aside with all their letters, resting on a kitchen table.


End file.
